24/7: A Resource For Working Parents

Oh no! Not Again!

A Working Parent’s Guide to Sibling Conflict

 Sibling conflict has got to be one of the trickiest issues in parenting. For one thing, most of us find conflict of any kind threatening. And it’s even more threatening when two of our kids are going at it, because we want so much for them to love each other.  

While there is no quick/easy method for eliminating conflict between siblings, we do have some ideas that might smooth your path a little.

First, although it’s disturbing and frustrating, sibling conflict is normal. Research by American psychologist Laurie Kramer showed that siblings fight or argue three to four times per hour, on average. So, if kids are spending extra time together at home, as they are probably doing during the COVID-19 pandemic, that can add up to a lot of spats every day!

Second, not only is sibling conflict normal, it’s necessary.

Conflict is normal part of human experience and relationships. In fact, psychologist Liane Davey, a member of the Psychology Foundation of Canada’s board of trustees, an expert on conflict resolution, and author of The Good Fight, says relationships actually require conflict. In other words, children need to learn conflict resolution skills. That is, they need to learn how stand up for themselves and their needs, while also hearing and considering the needs of others and looking for reasonably fair solutions. One of the ways they do that learning is within the relative safety of relationships with sisters and brothers. However, they can’t do it alone. Children need our help and guidance in learning to manage conflict.

 So what can we do?

Intervene when necessary
(and it usually is necessary) 
Some people will say, “Let them work it out for themselves.” However research shows that children tend to continue fighting when parents don’t get involved What’s more, conflict resolution is more constructive when parents do get involved. However, the type of involvement matters. 

Don’t make it worse

Sibling conflict, especially ongoing conflict or serious conflict that happens on days when we are already having a hard time, can be really stressful. And sometimes our rising stress level pushes us in the direction of authoritarian strategies like raised voices, threats or punishments that often make a hot situation hotter and add a new layer of conflict.

Focus on care, calming and safety first
When siblings fight, we often want to jump in with a solution and/or set limits. Both are important, but justice or consequences can come later. The first step is to calm the situation down. Try to soothe and calm the anger, fear or sadness first. Try to keep your voice (relatively) soft so that you don’t add to the alarm and stress of the situation.

When it’s a real fight, combatants need to be separated and when the fight is unequal, one child may need to be protected.  

Bottom line: Anything you want to accomplish in terms of settling a dispute or setting limits will be more effective when children first feel safe and more calm.

Focus on needs

“Good” conflict is not just about standing up for yourself. It’s also about both people understanding what each other needs and how their actions or words are impacting the other person. Young kids aren’t very good at this, especially when they are upset. We can help them, but not by imposing a judgment – even though the right and wrong of the situation might seem obvious to us. Liane Davey says that when a child is emotional, what we need to think is: “This is really important. What do I need to understand?”  She suggests acknowledging the child’s strong feeling, without agreeing or disagreeing with what they are saying. Once you’ve shown you are willing to hear them out, ask some open-ended questions that will help you understand how they are experiencing the situation. 

When things have calmed a bit and it’s time to look for solutions, Davey suggests you start by describing what you see rather than judging what you see. For example, rather than saying, “Jamal, you are annoying your brother,” you can be more objective and impartial by saying, “Evan, you are sitting on your brother’s cushion and when you do that, he pushes you away to get some space.” 

That is also an important way to avoid blaming one child (as in, “Samir! Don’t be so mean to your little brother!”). Instead, describe the impact of what you see: “Akio is getting really upset because of the way you are treating him.” 

Another thing you can do is ask questions. “What do you think is causing Jason to hit you?” But try to avoid the “why” questions that often come to mind first.  “Why” questions tends to make children (and adults) defensive. Then they start coming up with reasons that justify their behaviour, rather actually thinking about what’s really going on. So try replacing the “why” question with one that starts with what or how. 

This approach does three things. It helps prevent one or both children from feeling attacked by you. Asking questions and stating observations engages the thinking areas of their brain (the emotional areas are already engaged!). This approach also helps to “validate” children, that is, make them feel that they’ve been heard and that we see and understand their position. “If you want to speak your truth, you need to speak the child’s truth first,” Davey says.

Other ideas

Facilitate sibling good times. If there are activities that your kids enjoy together, encourage those activities and do them with you children at times. Positive time together is kind of like a bank account that helps protect sibling relationships when conflict occurs.

Ask for their input. We tend to think it’s our job to come up with the solutions for battling siblings. But, in a calm moment try asking your kids for their ideas about how to resolve or prevent conflict. You might be surprised what they come up with.

Catch them being good. When we express appreciation to our kids when they are being kind to each other or finding solutions to their own conflict, that makes them feel good and reinforces the idea that they can sometimes find their own solutions, and motivates them to try again in the future.

Give them breaks from each other when they need it.
Sibling conflict is normal, but it can be draining for both kids and parents. Sometimes kids need a break from each other (and we need a break from the conflict).

Reinforce core rules like, no hitting, or hurtful name-calling.
Kids need to repeatedly get the message that harming others is not acceptable. Even though children don’t always follow these rules, our messages go “inside” them and will positively shape their behaviour over time.

Model good conflict resolution skills. Kids learn from their own experiences of conflict, but they also learn from us. Practice good negotiation skills and “fight fair” with your partner or other important adults your kids see you interacting with. And be mindful of what you say about your own siblings.

Don’t give up. Sibling conflict can be very discouraging. But remember, it’s normal and the fact that you can’t stop or prevent all of their fighting does not mean you’re a bad parent. And forgive yourself if you don't always do it right. We don’t always have the time to sit down and play the role of mediator. But when we can find the time to help our children sort out their conflicts, it will benefit our children in the long run and will build relationship skills that support resilience throughout their lives.

Further reading:

 Kids Can Cope: Parenting Resilient Children at Home and at School

Ready or Not? Negotiating Independence with Teens

Thank you to Workplace Strategies for Mental Health for their support of 24/7: A resource for working parents.